Toxic Relationship

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Hi, long story short.
I have a very toxic relationship with my mum. My siblings are always saying they wish they could be more like me and be distant from mum. However, they then change their mind and say things like I should try again. She misses me etc. I haven't spoken or seen my mum in years.
I now have a few kids and she doesn't know.
Lately, I have been feeling like jealous that I don't have a good relationship with my mum. Like how do we stop all the toxic ness?
Or should I just keep going how I am going because I don't want toxic ness in my life. However, she is my mum and I have been burnt so many times by her. I just want to talk but I can't it's just to complicated.

I should also add my family who do know about my kids have said similar things to me that just makes me even more messed up in the head.

I guess after saying that do you think it's too toxic and I should not bother?
Or
I don't know

advice, please.
I need help.

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